Slow Death Of Your Hopes

It’s so easy for you to break down. Maybe easier than ever. It’s something special yet so heart breaking. Flowing like a river in your veins the pain just tortures you.

Wasting all the moments you live wondering of bittersweet memories, looking for insecure future. Not giving a damn about the present yet having to face all it’s emotions.

You wish for a saviour..but you have to admit that saviours do not exist. Nor do miracles. And It’s even harder to go on without having small illusions as hopes.

You don’t make any sense..you don’t make sense to yourself, how could you make sense to anyone else?

All alone in the nothingness inside, you can’t get out of the misery. You feel like you can’t take the tears
anymore. You want just a little help. But you can’t ask for it. You face everything alone trying too hide or run away from the glittering tears, from the dark paths of loneliness, from the outstanding beauty of fears.

You got to a point. Everything bothers you and everything scares you. You find it hard to go out on the street, you’re afraid of tomorrow’s happenings and mostly of the broken dreams you may try to chase.

You’re world is built up of illusions. And yet you can’t and you don’t even want to stop following them. You’re waiting for a heavenly help..instead you get damn disappointments.

You just want to escape, have a loving arm around you. No you’re not looking for anything special. Just for the feeling of being loved and safe. Which can be so far from you.

You want to wander alone on the dark streets at night. To let your tears out as the stars shine on your cracked face. The Moon guides you and the stars comfort you. Without a sound they give you some peace. Maybe just because human power or human emotions can’t harm them. They are safe.

You wish you could stay on one of them. Looking down from above watching the never ending play in front of your eyes. Rushing people, led by emotions, instincts , false believes.

The only way out which you see is hiding yourself or running away. You wish you jumped on the first train and went as far as possible from this pain, from the stunning brightness of your inner damage.

But you never did , and you’re not at all patient . You want this to end.

No one understands you, and there is no one to whom to turn to. Nothing is possible but everything can get broken in seconds of time.

Wondering why you can control your life is so depressing. Depressing thoughts, emotions, feelings, dreams...and nothing certain.

You want to feel love, pure and innocent love. The care and the affection. That someone wants you. Someone is close to you whenever you need. You want to be selfish and finally get someone who actually gives a damn about you and it’s willing to finally pass out from the row of those who just take advantage of you.

Pain can be so easy. Breaking down easier. Pain is like a drug. Is its way of being. It guides you all the way through. Makes you want more of it. Wants you have more tears. Makes you human. And actually you feel like belonging near pain. There is no other way. You just feel thankful for having a place in life. Pain is your all time friend. Brought you a lot more friends...such as loneliness, depression, insecurity, fears, anxiety and so on. All of a baggage.

Your confusion is so hard to take. Crawling in the middle of nowhere...looking at streets, places like you never saw them..actually you saw them thousands of times.

Someone should save you my dear. You don’t stop praying yet you get no answer. You just want to finally experience how is to have as your friend Happiness...

Tears and tears running but how much time do they have ?

The Art Of Not Belonging

It's already a pleasure the experience of not belonging at all. How is that possible? Actually quite simple, you just don't fit. And yet everyone feels it but no one talks about it, if not they don't talk about the contrary of it either. You're alone, that was know till now as well, but the fact that your place in this world is not given was a mistery.

But today,now and forever I'll enlighten you about the fact, you have no place. No place near no human being, no place in a friendship, no place in a family, no place in a community, no place in a country, society. You don't belong.

Why would you? Or how could you? You're a loner, you know the perfection of falling down, you know the beauty of sadness, the pain of the rising sun, and actually all the missery connected to your gorgeous lonely life.


You wake up alone to see the wide light which hurts deep inside while all you want to do is to hide under your blanket. But your bed hates you, and throws you down. You crawl in the narrow streets of your vivid thoughts.

How can someone belong with so many fears deep inside? Struggling with the words, ideas, steps.You live your life with so much fear. You are afraid to tell your own opinion and you're afraid to see your friends while you love them. The art of not belonging taught you how to keep yourself away from everyone. Just saying 'they are all better off without me'. Maybe because your afraid of them misunderstanding you, or maybe you just feel like you drag them down with yourself.

No one will notice that you need a helping hand, no one will care, no one will give attention, no one will love. Simply because you do not fit in. You can't fit in anywhere. You may chase your precious dream of running away, mostly from your problems but why would that make any difference? You won't belong.. neither here, nor in an other country. You won't be understood. You can't control it. You're just charged to live your life as a one type- spice.

Tears and tears over and over again till you find your great peace in sleep. But you always wake up to the nightmare. Life changed its style. It tortures you day time and leaves you with beauty dreams nightly. Does that mean anything? Anyways you don't make sense. If you count well you probably have a lot more psychological illnesses then you think.

Breaking down is always the easiest way. It's a real shame, but it's cool. You wonder if it makes any sense to change or to try? For whom or for what? No one would loose sleep if you won't be here tomorrow. They'd just loose some fights which they held with you. Big loss anyways.

You hate this world. You hate everything and everyone. You're screaming inside, screaming at your best friend, confessing love to a guy who won't ever feel anything for you, crying to yourself. Because you can't belong and this tore you awesomely apart. You want to be part of something, important for someone.

You never wanted fame, never wanted popularity nor sameness. But now all your wish is to be just as everyone else. You want true love, you want friends, you want discussions, you want family, you want care, hope, help, You want to talk freely without thinking what others think. Just to be a simple person who DOES belong.

Why is that important? Well try for just a few days how is when you struggle when being around people, try crying every day, try to hate the sunset, try to feel down when you suppose to have fun, try to hide deep inside all that's inside of you, try to be lonely. And i bet you understand what i might try to say.

Pictures roll in front of you. Circles around your eyes. Hurts, it hurts all your eyes, because the make up which you put on just flew into your eyes when the tears started running. The emotions vanish away. Your pain is just the same. You're tired. tired of all the hurt inside. Yet you can't tell anyone. Maybe you don't even understand yourself. You're confused. You feel so lost and empty . How could you belong ?

I learned in my life, to trust very few people

I learned in my life, to trust very few people. I agree that all people probably should be trusted until proven untrustworthy, yet you must be careful with that rule. I have seen that i wear my heart on my sleeve and let myself be too vulnerable to this world and the people in it. I guess I tell people everything, because thats who I am, I never lie about the girl I am. I tell people what i have done, and who I want to be. I tell people the pain and the happiness of my life. I finally realized that people truly dont care. Their are a few good people on this world, I do recognize them. Yet, moslty i find myself dissappointed by the people I excepted the most from. The person we love , all they know is how is lie. They have become among one of such a person, who does not even know what the truth is. Lying has become a way of life for them. My question is..how do you open your heart to someone else, when everyone you love has only lied and let you down. I except pain, and lies. Its life, it is bittersweet. I take the bad with the good everyday. I count my blessings. God has truly been so good to me. I try so hard to be a good person, but when your surrounded by only bad, it takes a tole on you. I am now getting all the bad people out of my life. I refuse to let one more person lie to me. Yet, i also refuse to be cold hearted and to not love again. So, my conclusion is...with love, comes pain, and suffering, and tears, and lies...but I'm going to deal with that all. Because, without love, We are nothing. We all need love. Love is what keeps us going.
“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.”

we hold expectations for others...we set them out to be someone their not most of the time. then we are left wondering why we are hurt so bad, and so disappointed? its because they were never and will never be that person we wanted or thought they were. the key to it all is to listen, get to know people, build your relationship with them and then and only then you will see who they are thru not just their words, but their actions. people's true colors show when u just take the time to listen and watch as they unfold... and still then, they might end up disappointing you. but isnt this life? its all bittersweet, its all mistakes, experiences, learning, and growing...and with that you have to open your heart to trust and open your heart to life......"u may be deceived if u trust too much, but u will live in torment if u do not trust enough."

UnWiNdInG mYsElF

Being gentle and a little patient and comforting has been a quality very much a part of me. No making loud statements here, but somehow, I haven't really been able to treat someone rudely or just give up on them even if they seemed utterly impossible. There are times that I have wondered loudly to myself if I was trying to act like some mini-super-hero thing! Trying to be that good girl in the books of all or something of that sort. Truth after all is, I just am that! Can’t help to see someone that way.

And then again, I’ve also been this really naive, soft and sensitive girl, so untouched by life, looking at the world with wide and interested eyes. I’ve changed. Changed to being that girl who can possibly hold herself up and keep the silence of her agony to herself - in a way. But coming to think of it now, I can see more twists to what I used to be. I am losing it - the uncanny ability to keep sticking to something with pain within.

Alright, apologies to keep going on endlessly about stuff involving pain, rejection and lost memories, but I guess I can be excused to be writing precisely about what I feel strongly about.


These days, it is maddening to be the one who has to listen to people throw tantrums, just because they managed to wreck their day. Like, you have a very bad time with something, or maybe the whole darn day goes in some horrible way, you come online or call up someone (read: me), and then you get all sulky and I try to ease it up... only to be the one to witness the other person go off, leaving me clueless about what I’d really done to deserve that way of treating.

Sure, people do have those days where nothing seems to go about the right way. Everything piles into an agonizing and highly irritating set of troubles. You don't understand what exactly is going wrong, and all you want to do is, to burn the world up, if you could afford to or manage to do so. Nothing sane pleases you; no assurances get you back in shape. Like, you just need that time to unwind yourself after the whole energy is used in one blast to shut all that frustration off.


The point I’d like to say is, I get into this category, too! I mean, I am human too! I have my own bad days, times when I don't understand what is wrong but I just want to shout at the top of my voice, times when I want to get online and just not talk anything or start up a conversation on my own, times when I want to just keep singing to myself even if it involves me at the vicinity of close company...

And well, do I get to be so? No, sir! Shouldn’t I be the one who is patient and controlled enough? Sounds pretty like the image for a 'perfect' personality. But trust it to ask me how really annoying it is! It is like, I am battling within myself to keep myself together in one piece, trying to distract myself in the best way possible out of the unexplainable rage burning within, and then, someone wants to unleash their bad day on me and then just walk away like nothing ever really happened. My head is like: huh?


The reasons range from a wide variety of highly kicked up fantasies of the mind to the most trivial things imaginable: not having had enough sleep, not having got a copy of some book or CD you've long wanted, not being able to go to some concert happening out the corner, and then, the cases of not staying in touch..

Tell me, it takes two people to make a relationship, right (please, this includes the realms of friendship too)? It takes two people to stay in touch, right? To keep it going? It infuriates me to no extent to be blamed, and then, when I try to stay calm and explain, pat it comes, "Excuses!"

Again, huh? In the first place, why do I have to explain if the relationship is really worth keeping? And whatever is a relationship if you can't understand me right and give me my space (whatever that means)? If it is so important to you that you need constant contact, why don't you just take an initiative? Attitude? Or are you trying to check on me?!

If you really care, then shouldn't it be like you'd do anything to get any bit of precious time in the company spent in absolute sweet talk?

And then, there are those that keep missing you very badly in your absence and then ridicule away all the moments when you have all the time in the world for them. Makes you wonder if they really meant it when they'd said you had been missed in the first place.

Know what? I just want to throw it up myself! Just shout out loud, kick the world up, and stay by myself, if I just want to, if I just feel like doing so. If everybody gets a chance to let themselves out and still justify themselves by the fact that it was just a passing mood, then why can't I?

Right now, I want to slam the door shut, hard, talk whatever that is running through my mind without the slightest inhibition at the thought of what 'others' might think, feel absolutely confident and feel absolutely 'Me'.

No, sir! I don't want to sulk, I don't want to boss around, I don't want to kick up any 'attitude' like half the world goes about thinking! It's just that, I too have my times when I just don't want to explain, excuse myself, make myself understood, put myself across in the 'appropriate' way, and smile and be around to keep comforting, being that bear hug everyone dreams of.


After all, the hardest and truest part is - if they really are true and genuine people who'd give anything to have you, or at least who care so much that they'd do the utmost to stay by, they are going to have you for whatever you are!


Raised eyebrows?

Did I not tell you, I’m *not* like that girl?!

True Love - To See our happiness in the happiness of others

Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third.Being mad or crazy after love never helps. Neither of us can have a good life. Understanding a true love is required to make lives happier. To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another.

I’ll never break your heart,
I’ll never make you cry,
I’d rather die than live without you,
I’ll give you all of me,
Honey, that’s no lie.

There is a letter which makes us blind. But it is not made for that purpose. We take it in different way.

BEGINNING OF MY LIFE

Before reading it, take my words, it can be experience of anyone and nothing is personnel and I would like to make no comments. There are no principles behind it. Every one of us faces it and forgets it. But it is not so easy. It lives some moments for us.

"I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart."

Life is full of success and failures. Every one of us learns about love from family. I love my family a lot. But when we meet some unknown person whom we like, it becomes somehow-a different story and situation to face. Our mom and dad are with us. Blood relations never leave you alone. That is our belief. So we are not worried for the love which is early god gift for us. But we worry about the relation which we need to make for the rest of life. For that we even become selfish sometime.

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own home. Give love to your siblings, children, to a wife or husband, to a next-door neighbor-simply to EVERYONE"

Just don’t be selfish. When we start loving some one, we try to achieve the love from another side. If it is 50% from your side, let it be. Let other makes fun of your failure. But never forget that love is to give rather to achieve. If it is yours, it will come to you by circumstances.

Love is merely madness...

He made so many calls.She thought he wants to talk. She was not wishing to discourage him and disappoint him.He was my one of the good friends but she found some problems with his new behavior. For her, he was a friend. But he was one step ahead. Her intentions were good. Even she was also willing to help him.Sometimes even she was finding some opportunities where she could had talk with him for so many hours. She just followed what others do.She analyzed herself. It was just her friendly behavior. It was their personal satisfaction while they talked for so many hours. It was his personal wish to be with her. Gifting a material thing without any reasons is not giving. Really I forget true definition of love and friendship. Anyway it makes us mad.

"What the heart gives away is never gone ... It is kept in the hearts of others."


Thank God She understood him. Let it be her failure, but I don’t like to change definition of love. I have no idea what to do else. But at least I know what not to do. You are succeeded if someone misses you any day in his life. So just let life decides. Don’t be cruel to get your love. Nothing is gone if you allow your love to go far from you. Love never comes if you wan to tie up with you intentionally. It is free. Try to spread happiness, help and holiness whenever you love.

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."


Love makes your life full of happiness.We need to think about its true gifts. Even if we spend our 80 % of time to get material things, we are not satisfied with our life. It is not balanced. In fact 80 % of our life problems causes from our mental situations. Psychology does matter in our life. So spend time to get some free and happy moments. What we call it "Memories". Enjoy long lasting memories of being with your love.

ENDING OF A MEMORY

"If you are reading this, believe me my intentions are holy. Be happy wherever you are. If you need my help friends, you can call me without any hesitation. Even in your absence I will live a happy life. Don’t feel any time worried about my life believing you had created my life alone or difficult. You had always given pleasant moments to me." We really need such thoughts flowing in our mind for our true love.

REMINDER

"The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."