Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Biggest Mistake

Sometimes we fall in love unexpectedly with someone we shouldn't be in love with. The love we had for them keeps us happy yet miserable. It is hard to cope with one-sided love. Loving is like breathing. Sometimes people wonder if something is not theirs, why did it come to their way? And parting with that thing forever is not easy. Loving someone who is the love of your life is like changing the life you love and it so happens that this person is never meant to appear in your life and the biggest mistake you can ever make...

I was often bullied but because I was patient, I had always considered that being bullied was just a small test from God. It was just to test the limit of my patience. Was being patient a mistake? Sometimes, if I think back, it was really a mistake. Some of my friends put all the blame on me when they were at fault. I would never argue back or voiced out my anger because I was too patient, too timid and scared to lose the friendship I had with them. But in the end, I had to let go of that friendship. I can take any blame they want, but I can never agree that I had 'purposely' snatched someone's happiness. I refused to take that blame yet they see me as one. Because of that, I had lost everything. I had to swallow my pride and held my head high each time. It feels, everywhere I went, everyone was whispering behind my back, saying how cruel, how bad I was. I lost my self-confidence forever. I will never get it back again. Once lost, forever gone.

I'm spending time, living in hurt and insults. I closed the doors of my heart and turned into a very cold person. I trust nobody. My trust was limited. Those who deserved it were a few of my true friends, the ones that really stuck close with me when no one believed me. I stopped talking to everyone I knew, even if they pretended that they care, I started ignoring almost everyone completely. They were complete strangers to me. Treating others this way never brought me the old happiness I yearned for. Actually, I did not know who I was. I put on a fake smile and laugh but it never made me feel any better. It was not me anymore no matter how hard I tried to be who I was in the past. I wished I had lost my memory. I didn’t like living like this. It was too cruel. I felt I had only myself to be blamed. I hated myself to the core. The enemy I had was me. In the end, the only thing I could do was to get myself busy with my studies and shifted all my top priorities to my family. I told myself, I was living for myself, my dreams and my family. As long as I stuck to that thinking, I won't be too hurt. I will eventually forget my horrible past.

I began to live in the world of darkness, never smile, giving everyone cold shoulders and everyone thought I was arrogant. I admit. I was arrogant. I was badly hurt and insulted and that was the only way I could stop hurting myself and hating myself.Even my friends began to realize that I was not myself anymore. They were much sadder with the new me. Slowly, I was learning to step out from my darkness. I had so much of everything now but i had some of the memories that didn't let me to move on.I had started to live as someone who has no memories but those memories I have to forgo them. Those memories contained the happiness I felt, and the feeling of being ‘Somebody's Me’ . I cannot bear to let it go. I don't want to live with no memories. It is too empty, too painful.

Each time I wanted to forget whatever happened to me,whatever caused me pain,whoever hurt me and left me bruised but everything will always appear in my memory once again. If I had not been a fool, I wouldn't have... No if had not cared so much...it wouldn't have.... No, if I had not started believing...i wouldn't have got hurt No, maybe if I had not allowed myself to trust, things wouldn't have turned out like this. Sometimes I wondered: if this happiness was not mine, why did it come to my way? Why did it have to appear and then go away? I would not have started in the first place if I knew it was turning like this.
Love is a mistake. It was the biggest mistake. It was my biggest regret.

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