Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Art Of Not Belonging
It's already a pleasure the experience of not belonging at all. How is that possible? Actually quite simple, you just don't fit. And yet everyone feels it but no one talks about it, if not they don't talk about the contrary of it either. You're alone, that was know till now as well, but the fact that your place in this world is not given was a mistery.
But today,now and forever I'll enlighten you about the fact, you have no place. No place near no human being, no place in a friendship, no place in a family, no place in a community, no place in a country, society. You don't belong.
Why would you? Or how could you? You're a loner, you know the perfection of falling down, you know the beauty of sadness, the pain of the rising sun, and actually all the missery connected to your gorgeous lonely life.
You wake up alone to see the wide light which hurts deep inside while all you want to do is to hide under your blanket. But your bed hates you, and throws you down. You crawl in the narrow streets of your vivid thoughts.
How can someone belong with so many fears deep inside? Struggling with the words, ideas, steps.You live your life with so much fear. You are afraid to tell your own opinion and you're afraid to see your friends while you love them. The art of not belonging taught you how to keep yourself away from everyone. Just saying 'they are all better off without me'. Maybe because your afraid of them misunderstanding you, or maybe you just feel like you drag them down with yourself.
No one will notice that you need a helping hand, no one will care, no one will give attention, no one will love. Simply because you do not fit in. You can't fit in anywhere. You may chase your precious dream of running away, mostly from your problems but why would that make any difference? You won't belong.. neither here, nor in an other country. You won't be understood. You can't control it. You're just charged to live your life as a one type- spice.
Tears and tears over and over again till you find your great peace in sleep. But you always wake up to the nightmare. Life changed its style. It tortures you day time and leaves you with beauty dreams nightly. Does that mean anything? Anyways you don't make sense. If you count well you probably have a lot more psychological illnesses then you think.
Breaking down is always the easiest way. It's a real shame, but it's cool. You wonder if it makes any sense to change or to try? For whom or for what? No one would loose sleep if you won't be here tomorrow. They'd just loose some fights which they held with you. Big loss anyways.
You hate this world. You hate everything and everyone. You're screaming inside, screaming at your best friend, confessing love to a guy who won't ever feel anything for you, crying to yourself. Because you can't belong and this tore you awesomely apart. You want to be part of something, important for someone.
You never wanted fame, never wanted popularity nor sameness. But now all your wish is to be just as everyone else. You want true love, you want friends, you want discussions, you want family, you want care, hope, help, You want to talk freely without thinking what others think. Just to be a simple person who DOES belong.
Why is that important? Well try for just a few days how is when you struggle when being around people, try crying every day, try to hate the sunset, try to feel down when you suppose to have fun, try to hide deep inside all that's inside of you, try to be lonely. And i bet you understand what i might try to say.
Pictures roll in front of you. Circles around your eyes. Hurts, it hurts all your eyes, because the make up which you put on just flew into your eyes when the tears started running. The emotions vanish away. Your pain is just the same. You're tired. tired of all the hurt inside. Yet you can't tell anyone. Maybe you don't even understand yourself. You're confused. You feel so lost and empty . How could you belong ?