Wednesday, August 25, 2010

UnWiNdInG mYsElF

Being gentle and a little patient and comforting has been a quality very much a part of me. No making loud statements here, but somehow, I haven't really been able to treat someone rudely or just give up on them even if they seemed utterly impossible. There are times that I have wondered loudly to myself if I was trying to act like some mini-super-hero thing! Trying to be that good girl in the books of all or something of that sort. Truth after all is, I just am that! Can’t help to see someone that way.

And then again, I’ve also been this really naive, soft and sensitive girl, so untouched by life, looking at the world with wide and interested eyes. I’ve changed. Changed to being that girl who can possibly hold herself up and keep the silence of her agony to herself - in a way. But coming to think of it now, I can see more twists to what I used to be. I am losing it - the uncanny ability to keep sticking to something with pain within.

Alright, apologies to keep going on endlessly about stuff involving pain, rejection and lost memories, but I guess I can be excused to be writing precisely about what I feel strongly about.

These days, it is maddening to be the one who has to listen to people throw tantrums, just because they managed to wreck their day. Like, you have a very bad time with something, or maybe the whole darn day goes in some horrible way, you come online or call up someone (read: me), and then you get all sulky and I try to ease it up... only to be the one to witness the other person go off, leaving me clueless about what I’d really done to deserve that way of treating.

Sure, people do have those days where nothing seems to go about the right way. Everything piles into an agonizing and highly irritating set of troubles. You don't understand what exactly is going wrong, and all you want to do is, to burn the world up, if you could afford to or manage to do so. Nothing sane pleases you; no assurances get you back in shape. Like, you just need that time to unwind yourself after the whole energy is used in one blast to shut all that frustration off.

The point I’d like to say is, I get into this category, too! I mean, I am human too! I have my own bad days, times when I don't understand what is wrong but I just want to shout at the top of my voice, times when I want to get online and just not talk anything or start up a conversation on my own, times when I want to just keep singing to myself even if it involves me at the vicinity of close company...

And well, do I get to be so? No, sir! Shouldn’t I be the one who is patient and controlled enough? Sounds pretty like the image for a 'perfect' personality. But trust it to ask me how really annoying it is! It is like, I am battling within myself to keep myself together in one piece, trying to distract myself in the best way possible out of the unexplainable rage burning within, and then, someone wants to unleash their bad day on me and then just walk away like nothing ever really happened. My head is like: huh?

The reasons range from a wide variety of highly kicked up fantasies of the mind to the most trivial things imaginable: not having had enough sleep, not having got a copy of some book or CD you've long wanted, not being able to go to some concert happening out the corner, and then, the cases of not staying in touch..

Tell me, it takes two people to make a relationship, right (please, this includes the realms of friendship too)? It takes two people to stay in touch, right? To keep it going? It infuriates me to no extent to be blamed, and then, when I try to stay calm and explain, pat it comes, "Excuses!"

Again, huh? In the first place, why do I have to explain if the relationship is really worth keeping? And whatever is a relationship if you can't understand me right and give me my space (whatever that means)? If it is so important to you that you need constant contact, why don't you just take an initiative? Attitude? Or are you trying to check on me?!

If you really care, then shouldn't it be like you'd do anything to get any bit of precious time in the company spent in absolute sweet talk?

And then, there are those that keep missing you very badly in your absence and then ridicule away all the moments when you have all the time in the world for them. Makes you wonder if they really meant it when they'd said you had been missed in the first place.

Know what? I just want to throw it up myself! Just shout out loud, kick the world up, and stay by myself, if I just want to, if I just feel like doing so. If everybody gets a chance to let themselves out and still justify themselves by the fact that it was just a passing mood, then why can't I?

Right now, I want to slam the door shut, hard, talk whatever that is running through my mind without the slightest inhibition at the thought of what 'others' might think, feel absolutely confident and feel absolutely 'Me'.

No, sir! I don't want to sulk, I don't want to boss around, I don't want to kick up any 'attitude' like half the world goes about thinking! It's just that, I too have my times when I just don't want to explain, excuse myself, make myself understood, put myself across in the 'appropriate' way, and smile and be around to keep comforting, being that bear hug everyone dreams of.

After all, the hardest and truest part is - if they really are true and genuine people who'd give anything to have you, or at least who care so much that they'd do the utmost to stay by, they are going to have you for whatever you are!

Raised eyebrows?

Did I not tell you, I’m *not* like that girl?!

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